gender equality – The Girl Who Whispered

#CrackingTheCode – Serving or Surveilling Women – Part 1

I’ve been putting off writing my final remarks on being a Delegate for UN Women, that’s because there are a few things left for me to do.

Firstly, I have to complete a ‘Contribution Form’, which is something I will be doing this weekend – I have to review my notes, re-watch recordings and actually formulate what I am going to write – I’m not entirely sure what it entails yet as you complete each section independently, completing one to move onto the next. Which I will admit, doesn’t help my Neurodiverse brain as it’s difficult to plan without seeing the sections!

Secondly, I was approached by a fellow UN Women’s Delegate online to take part in writing an article for the British Computer Society’s (BCS) IT NOW publication, as I am a Professional Member of BCS – I also was asked to take part in something else, but that’s not UN Women related and a topic of conversation for another post.

But, thirdly, and the focus that I am going to spend energy on instead, is the in-person event, which this morning was when I found out my application to attend had been accepted!

Considering there were 2500 delegates, 1000 of them applied to the in-person event but only 650 spaces to take part (this includes in-person and virtually, so I believe there’s even less spaces to get an in-person space in London!), I’m really glad I was able to make the cut – I’m off to London!

As I have mentioned in my blog post ‘UN Womens’ Delegate – Week 1′ (see more links at the bottom of this post), the main priority theme is:

UN Assembly, NY.
https://news.cgtn.com/news/2020-09-28/How-was-the-United-Nations-founded-in-the-name-of-world-peace–U9zn3QoHtK/index.html

“Innovation and technological change, and education in the digital age for achieving gender equality and the empowerment of all women and girls.”

This event in London is about ‘taking action for gender equality in digital spaces, innovation, education and technology’. One Goal: Build solutions to bridge the digital gender divide. The information pack that I received gave the following stats:

89% of tech CEOs are men;
nearly 200 million women worldwide don’t own mobile phones, and boys are 1.8 times more likely to own a smartphone than girls;
almost 40% of women worldwide have experienced online violence, and 80% have witnessed it;
only 0.5% of girls want to become tech professionals;
excluding women from the digital world has lost $1 trillion from global GDP over the past decade – and the digital gender gap is increasing. The economic impact will rise to $1.5 trillion lost by 2025 without action now.

The event has five focus areas. Of which, I had to pick only one to contribute to. These five focus areas are:

1. Plugging into the grid

How putting technology in the hands of the world’s most marginalised women can give them connectivity into society that enables them to survive and thrive. Providing access to technology for older women, disabled women, and the world’s poorest.

2. Innovators of the future

From the toys children are given to the videogames they play, young people’s lives are shaped through digital tools from their earliest years, including their engagement with STEM. A look at the dark side of stereotyping, and the way sin which technology can be designed to create a more equal future for the next generations

3. Who learns from who?

With the rise of AI and smart tech, we are teaching algorithms based on human databases that are full of biases. How can we ensure that the decision-markers, the designers, and the data they draw from are representative to avoid magnifying existing problems?

4. Under attack in virtual worlds

We are going to spend increasing amount of time immersing ourselves in virtual spaces. Yet digital spaces are unsafe for women in may ways – not only replicating violence offline, but creating new opportunities for abuse from cyberflashing to deep fake pornography. From social media to the metaverse, we’ll be looking at how we can build safe, inclusive spaces before it’s too late

5. Serving women or surveilling women?

As we store more and more of our lives online, and institutions are able to access our data to serve us with increasingly personalised and relevant offers, how do we protect privacy for those who are most vulnerable to exploitation – both by the private second, and by the state?

If you haven’t already guessed by now, by the title of this post, I have picked the last one; Serving women or surveilling women. Although, I will admit all of them are interesting, especially the 4th one; Under attack in virtual worlds, as I have been a victim of online abuse, and the 3rd Who learns from who? is extremely interesting to me but is a new-found interest, so I felt I wouldn’t have been able to contribute much to the conversation.

Check back soon for Part 2!

Feel free to check out my previous posts:

My Next Big Step

International Women’s Day – UN Women – CSW67

UN Women’s Delegate – Week 1

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UN Women’s Delegate – Week 1

It’s Sunday.

In certain calendars this signals the end of the week.

But more importantly, it’s the end of Week 1 on CSW67 (67th Session of the Commission on the Status of Women).

As you may know, I was selected to be a Delegate for CSW67. It’s my first time being a delegate and after week 1, what a ride it has been so far.

For those of you who don’t know what CSW is, here’s a video I found created by UN Women (please do give the video a like!):

History

I’ll quickly give a very brief overview of the United Nations, the SDGs and UN Women. I could go on and on about it, but it will distract from the point of this post.

The United Nations was originally founded in 1945 after World War II, originally the intention was to enable countries to cooperate on specific matters; mostly about resolving major world problems.

The first ‘UN Women’ Commission dates back to 1947; 15 women from different countries met to begin building international legal foundations for gender equality.

In the following decades, several UN offices were dedicated to various aspects of women’s rights. In 2011, these were merged to form UN Women, or the United Nations Entity for Gender Equality and the Empowerment of Women.

In 2015, all United Nations Member States adopted the 2030 Agenda for Sustainable Development. There are 17 Sustainable Development Goals (SDGs):
1. No Poverty
2. Zero Hunger
3. Good Health and Well-Being
4. Quality Education
5. Gender Equality
6. Clean Water and Sanitation
7. Affordable and Clean Energy
8. Decent Work and Economic Growth
9. Industry, Innovation and Infrastructure
10. Reduced Inequalities
11. Sustainable Cities and Communities
12. Responsible Consumption and Production
13. Climate Action
14. Life Below Water
15. Life on Land
16. Peace, Justice and Strong Institutions
17. Partnerships for the Goals

Today, in 2023, the UN Women’s Commission is deepening and expanding the global framework for gender equality.

Facts and Figures

As you have seen, achieving gender equality is one of the 17 SDGs, these SDGs should be in effect by 2030. However, a study revealed that it could take close to 300 years at the current rate of progress to achieve this.

In fact, the study found it may even be worsening due to global crises and backlash against women’s sexual and reproductive health and rights.

CSW67 – The biggest yet

In my training before the week even began, not only did this figure stick out, but another figure also stuck out to me…

Prior to the Covid-19 pandemic, the number of delegates was limited heavily to the number that could fill the hall in New York. Due to Covid, it was necessary to evolve, meaning delegates had to become more remote. As well as this evolution, they opened this the max number of delegates allowed and this number became almost unlimited.

UN Women took this literally, and opened delegation to everyone. Last year, they apparently had about 1000 people become delegates.

This year the number is 2500.

That’s 2500 people (men, women and others) who are taking part in talks that will shape policies the UN Member States will sign and adopt to bring gender equality. Globally.

The more people we have as delegates, the more chance we have of making change!

Structure of CSW67

Before I explain my thoughts and current takeaways from my experience so far, I want to briefly explain how this year is structured.

Firstly, there is an online platform which is open to all UN Women Delegates and other UN Women Volunteers who are making this happen. There are sections specifically on certain topics (called Superthreads) as well as a section on the CSW67 Events.

There are three types of Events:
1. Official UN Women Meetings – these are official negotiations and agreements are made around the central theme.
2. Side Events – Permanent Missions, intergovernmental organizations and United Nations entities hold side events on UN premises.
3. Parallel Events – Organized by NGOs (Non-Governmental Organizations), this enables civil society to be part of the UN Commission on the Status of Women.

There are recommended events to join, but lots of other events throughout the two weeks, but they are all optional. It’s open to you how many you attend. In a lot of events, you have an opportunity to add to the discussion, whether on camera or through the chat or Q&A boxes, or you are welcome to use the platform to participate in discussions instead. It’s also recommended to go away with links, new connections and generally feeling empowered to make change. And at the end of CSW there will be a contribution form to fill for feedback to build on learnings for the next CSW event.

CSW67 Themes

The main priority theme is: “Innovation and technological change, and education in the digital age for achieving gender equality and the empowerment of all women and girls.”

The review theme is: “Challenges and opportunities in achieving gender equality and the empowerment of rural women and girls.”

The review theme is agreeing to conclusions from the 62nd session.

Week 1 Summary

Of course, this is a summary from my perspective, so please bare in mind that other people may have completely different experiences and thus perspectives.

Throughout the whole experience so far, it is an overwhelming information dump. Let’s just say that I’m glad there are less events on at the weekend and I have time to recover! There’s a lot going on, with UN Women’s Official events, Side Events, Parallel Events, discussions on topics on the community forum, connections on LinkedIn, messages, posts, links, new opportunities, and more!

The main thing I wanted to talk about, is not only highlighting the facts and figures above; the fact we are 300 years away from global gender equality at the current rate we are working, but there is so many research areas uncovering issues that need fixing.

Here’s what I have seen so far:
* There is a gender gap on the use of technology, this is more prevalent on rural areas
* Women/Girls access technology at a later age than boys/men
* Girls appear to loose interest younger, this appears to be from stereotypes or lack of support
* There still is gender bias in tech careers/jobs, especially in leadership roles
* There is still a gender pay gap in the tech industry
* There are barriers with accessing education, especially in rural areas and low-income areas
* There are barriers with accessing funding and support for start ups, men appear to have more access than women
* There are potential gender biases in AI, machine learning and algorithms (e.g. TikTok)
* There are gender bias within targeted ads, which leads to issues of harmful rhetoric for women
* There needs to be more online safety and general social conversations in making it safer for women and girls
* There is gender bias in the entertainment industry, from funding, pay, access to exhibition space and much more.

This is just week 1. Imagine what week 2 will also bring!

Take-aways

My current take-aways from week 1 is that I have a LOT to think about. If anything, I have taken away even more enthusiasm to push for gender equality in my own life. Whether that is pushing for gender equality at work, in general conversation, challenging behaviour and encouraging other women to join in on the discussions and fight, but hopefully the enthusiasm to bring into my publishing business that I am still keen to set up.

I am also encouraged to join in on future discussions within UN Women and CSW, expand discussions online outside of CSW, and it has encouraged me to look into other discussions, such as climate change, world hunger and more. Helping us achieve the other 17 SDGs.

I also, have a new found interest in gender bias in AI, machine learning and algorithms. More so algorithms, as this is certainly something I have been fighting with on my social media platforms already. Who knows, maybe a PhD is in the making…

Please check out my other posts:

My Next Big Step

International Women’s Day – UN Women – CSW67

For those of you who like links:

History of United Nations:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/History_of_the_United_Nations
https://www.un.org/en/about-us/history-of-the-un

History of UN Women:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/UN_Women
https://www.unwomen.org/en/about-us
https://www.unwomen.org/en/about-us/about-un-women

Sustainable Development Goals (SDGs):

https://sdgs.un.org/goals

International Women’s Day – UN Women – CSW67

Today is International Women’s Day 2023 and I couldn’t go without saying at least something. Unfortunately, as it’s mid-week – and what a week it has been so far – and past 19:00 in the evening, I will have to leave this shorter than I hoped.

Recently, I wrote a post about being accepted as a UN Women’s Delegate for the UK (links at the bottom of this post) Well, that time has come!

Not only is today International Women’s Day, but today is Day 3 on being a UN Women’s Delegate.

I will be keeping notes on my experience (as long as my laptop doesn’t die and I loose my notes, which has already happened to me today! The irony of working in tech too!), and I will write another longer post either at the weekend or at the end of the two weeks, but for now I just want to say how amazing this experience is so far.

One thing that I have already said online, and will repeat here too, is this:

This International Women’s Day is talking about ’embracing’ equity, with powerful pictures of women hugging themselves.

I am not.
I am not hugging myself.

Don’t get me wrong, I am ’embracing’ equity/equality too, but the idea of hugging myself doesn’t sit well with me.

I don’t need to hug myself.
I don’t need to internalize my struggles as a female/woman.
I need others to see my struggles, allow me to speak up, to listen, but more importantly to help bring change to gender inequality. Globally.

Not just for me, but for my sisters too.

I need change.
We need change.

This also should include:
* Black women and women of colour
* Neurodivergent women
* Gay/Lesbian/Bi+ women
* Trans women
* Non-binary and female-presenting people
* Women in conflict areas
* Every woman who is currently under-represented and is being affected in some way from gender discrimination and inequality.
Because they are women/females too!

This is why I am trying to make the most of my time as a UN Women’s Delegate. Not just sitting quietly and making notes. No, I am speaking out.

Like I said in my previous post; I have finally found my voice.

And I’m certainly going to make as much noise as possible!

My previous post about signing up to become a UN Women Delegate here: https://thegirlwhowhispered.com/2023/02/03/my-next-big-step/

Please note, I do not own the images in this post. The image on the banner is an official UN Women’s image, the “We need an equal digital future for all” is as well, and the CSW template with yours truly’s mug shot was created by a fellow UN Women’s Delegate Khadeejah Badru, edited to include my face instead. 🙂

Please feel free to follow me on my socials:
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My Next Big Step

Approximately 30 years ago, when I was a little girl, I lost my voice.

I was bullied, ridiculed, left out and generally socially awkward. This resulted in me developing what I now come to know as Selective Mutism.

For most of my life I have in some way been silenced. Whether this is due to my own issues and feeling so alien in the world, that I developed anxiety at 4/5 years old. Whether this was because being female I have had people look down upon me as the inferior sex. Whether this was because being young and inexperienced, people believed I didn’t have anything useful to add to the table. Whether this is a direct result of being misunderstood from actually being autistic, which had never been picked up.

I’m now learning that I am not alien in this world, there are others like me.

I now know being female isn’t the inferior sex, I am just as equal to men.

I might be young and potentially inexperienced, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t got something valuable to say.

I know that the misunderstanding is the lack of awareness in the general population for autism, especially in females.

Now in my 30s, I am unlearning all the negativity I associated with myself, the bad habits and finally coming out of my shell.

I am also speaking up against the inequality and misunderstandings.

One of the reasons why I became an author was because I wanted to get my voice finally heard. I wanted to use the medium of written word, in stories, to get certain topics out there. Including my own story.

But just writing stories is just the stepping stone onto bigger things.

The next stepping stone…

Is becoming a UN Women’s Delegate for the UK!

I’m extremely humbled to be a part of the delegation. To be a part of something as important as gender equality. But I’m also extremely nervous.

But I’m going to continue practicing speaking up, like I have been slowly building up on, and push through these nerves.

I have finally found my voice.

And I’m certainly going to make as much noise as possible!

If you’d like to learn more about my story please see the blog post ‘Why “The Girl Who Whispered?“‘

Ender’s Love – Chapter 3

Click here to read Chapter 1 if you haven’t read it already

Note: May contain strong language!

~~~

Chapter 3

“Alex!” said a loud voice next to me, making me jump. It was my work colleague, Stella, as she sidled next to me in her office chair. “Drinks after work?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” I replied, unable to control the frown that had involuntarily creeped on my face.

Stella and I weren’t really friends, she was just some girl I worked with. I hadn’t been working at the company for long, but I was conscious that I should make a bit of an effort to be a little friendlier with people. I didn’t have many friends in Scotland, it was always something I struggled with. Although, I wasn’t entirely sure about Stella. She seemed nice. Well, nice to me. But she had a habit of being a little bitchy about the other girls and I worried she was like that with me, behind my back.

It was only a day after the incident at Da Vinci’s, and I knew I shouldn’t, but I couldn’t help but think constantly about that guy I had met. I realised I didn’t even catch his name nor did I even introduce myself properly. It was terribly rude of me. I was too flustered though. But I was proud of myself for actually approaching him, even though I’d never see him again. There were plenty of fish in the sea, as they say. Maybe I would find someone, one day, who was just as handsome, kind, caring and I could settle down and live happily ever after? A best friend who I loved, and he loved me. I had images of waking up in the morning to him cooking breakfast for me, cuddling up on the sofa while watching a scary film, going on little trips away at the weekends somewhere fun, getting a cat and maybe even one day having kids.

“Oh, please come! Not many people are coming now. It’s just going to be me and that girl with the big nose. What’s her name? Julie or something? We’re going to that cocktail bar. It’s two for one on Thursdays,” she said, fluttering her eyelashes like that was going to flatter ,e. It might work on every guy she met, but she seemed to have a habit of doing it the girls too. I groaned.

“Okay, but I can’t stay out for long, I have university work to do,” I said, trying desperately not to get annoyed with her lack of remorse over the kind girl that had started around the same time as me. I had noticed she had a bit of a big nose, but she was actually a lovely girl and her name was Judith. But I had no energy to correct Stella.

“University work?” she asked, frowning at me like I had just sprouted another head.

“Yes, I go to unveristy.” I sighed in annoyance. I had told her this before, I had told everyone at work. I had to constantly remind them. Especially when I would get my supervisor asking me to gin for extra shifts to help out with a backlog of work and I had to constantly remind her that I couldn’t because I had classes. She would always look at me like I was lying to her to avoid going into work, but the truth was, I actually needed the money. I studied part-time and worked part-time around my classes and although I was working in Administration, which was mostly just boring data entry in a small team, it wasn’t a well-paid job when you lived on your own in Glasgow.

“Which one?” she asked.

“Strathclyde.”

“You go to Strathclyde?”

“Yes,” I said, trying not to groan again. Although, I couldn’t be bothered to muster a fake smile. I was too tired.

“Oh, that’s cool! What do you do? You doing a degree or something?”

“A master’s degree,” I corrected. I could have told her what subject it was, but I doubted she would remember anyway.

“Oh, that’s right!” She nodded as if she had just remembered, but I doubted she did. “So, you coming?”

“Sure.” I shrugged, having a feeling that if I didn’t say yes, she wouldn’t leave me alone. Besides, maybe a drink was what I needed? I had already decided to have a night off doing any university work. I was going to work on my book, but I realised that maybe I needed a night off from that too?

***

Later that day, after my shift at work was done, I found myself sat in a loud pub. It was one of those chain pubs; with the same drink menu, served the same cheap food, and had the same two-for-one deals. Drinks were usually served in cheap, plastic pitches rather than nice fancy glasses. It was a pub popular with those who wanted a cheap night out to get drunk, or a cheap pub meal with the kids.

There was a large TV on a wall at the back, which was playing the highlights of some big game that was on earlier in the day. Huddled around it was a load of loud Scottish men either laughing at their mates in a drunken state or yelling at the TV screen. In the centre of the pub on the left, was a large bar with loads of people milling about trying to grab the attenion of the bar staff and get another round of drinks. The rest of the pub was littered with cheap wooden tables and chairs for those who were finishing up their late dinners of cheap steak and chips or a bland chicken tikka masala.

I wasn’t particularly happy with my predicament; it was too loud, the tables were sticky and I was constantly getting eyed up by guys who looked like they were fresh out of school and barely legal to drink. This also wasn’t the place Stella had promised.

Stella had decided to go to a different place to the one she had first suggested, although I wasn’t sure why. But if I had to guess, it was the guys that were there as she kept looking around at them like a lioness stalking prey.

“So, what’s your bachelor’s degree in?” Stella shouted acorss the table at me, huffing at something that clearly upset her. Either that or I was too boring for her. Judith never showed up, so it was just me and her, and I was starting to feel a little awkward with it being just the two of us. I had even contemplated finding an excuse to leave.

“The one I’ve completed?”

“What?” she asked across the table, clearly not being able to hear me properly above the noise.

“The degree I’m doing at university?” I asked.

“Yeah,” she replied. “What’s it in? I did a bachelor’s degree in Hospitality and Tourism,” she whittled on, and I realised she wasn’t really interested in knowing what I was doing or had done at all, she just wanted to find something to talk about herself. Plus, she had already forgotten I was doing a master’s degree, not a bachelor’s. “Passed it last year, but I found it so hard! I actually had to learn Spanish too, which was stupid! I didn’t want to learn another language! I just wanted to go into Tourism. I love going on holiday, figured I’d do it as a career, you know.”

I nodded politely as I drank my glass of white wine. Although, it tasted a little like oak and I wasn’t too keen on it. Regardless, I persevered; the alcohol would help me cope with the girl better.

“All that work too; eassays upon essays!” she continued to moan. “So, don’t feel bad if you have to quit, you know, it’s really hard work!”

“I’ve done a bachelor’s degree already,” I said before I realised what I was doing. Her comment annoyed me and I took it personally.

“What?” she called across the table. Clearly, I didn’t speak loud enough. Truth was, I hated shouting; the idea of shouting across a table just to be heard was frustrating.

I opened my mouth to repeat what I said when I caught sight of someone in the bar. I gasped. Luckily no one could hear me—not that I really cared what Stella thought. But, standing at the bar, I caught a glimpse of that handsome guy from Da Vinchi’s again. My stomach did a summersault when I saw him. He was even more handsome than I remembered. He wasn’t in a suit this time, he was in a black t-shirt, leather jacket and dark blue jeans. He looked dark and mysterious and I think I fell in love with him right there on the spot… I was a sucker for a handsome guy in black, especially leather. I noticed he looked a little annoyed or tired maybe, as a blonde girl was holding onto his arm and trying to speak something in his ear.

I smiled as he bought a glass up to his lips and took a sip. It looked like it was whisky again. I wondered if it was Dalwhinnie.

“He’s gorgeous,” said a voice next to me.

I jumped and looked round to notice Stella had moved to sit next to me, she had obviously noticed I hadn’t replied to her and had instead been watching the guy at the bar. She was staring holes into him as well, which made me feel a little annoyed. I had no idea who the guy was, he might have been as ass for all I knew, but I hated both men and women staring at the opposite sex like they were pieces of meat in a butcher’s shop. Stella might be a lot prettier than I was, with her long blonde hair and her long fluttering eyelashes, but she wasn’t pretty on the inside, as I recently found out.

“Way out of your league, honey,” she said in my ear.

I resisted the urge to roll my eyes at her, mostly because she was right; he was.

“I wouldn’t drool either, that girl looks like she’s his date for the night, I bet she’d happily scratch your eyes out for him.”

I looked round at Stella, giving her an annoyed yet confused look. What a weird thing to say. But as soon as I did, Stella’s eyes went wide.

“What’s wrong?”

“He just looked round at me and gave me a horrible look,” Stella said, looking away from him and taking a large swig of her alco-pop she had bought.

I looked round at him again to see what she was referring to, although having already missed the look, I was still curious. He was now frowning heavily at the girl next to him and saying something to her which I wished I could hear. Her hand had fallen from his arm and they were instead crossed. I couldn’t see her face, she had her back to me, but I could his and he looked pissed about something.

Suddenly the girl snatched up her purse from the bar table and swung round, looking upset about something as she wandered out of the bar, a hand up to her face as she looked like she was wiping tears away from her eyes. I watched her curiously as she stormed right for the bar door and disappeared out into the street beyond. I felt like running after her and making sure she was okay, but I just couldn’t bring myself to leave.

“Fuck,” Stella suddenly muttered next to me and I sensed her straighten up. I looked round at her as she was staring wide-eyed at the bar, at someone. Rather than asking her what was up, I followed her gaze just at the same time a tall figure came into focus beside me.

~~~

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thegirlwhowhispered.com

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Here are some links to my other works:

My Normal – A Short Story
Rose Garden Sanatorium – Prologue
No one likes you! – A short story.

Ender’s Love – Chapter 1

Warning: Strong language!

~~~

Chapter 1

“Oh, for fuck sake!” I grumbled, as a passing car drove through a puddle and splashed me. I looked down at myself, just as a fellow walker on the path shot me a disgusted look. Probably at my language. I didn’t care. I was instantly hurdled into a bad mood. But I was glad to see I wasn’t that wet; the water had mostly got my boots and—

“Shit!” I exclaimed. The reason I was mostly spared from the dirty puddle water was because the majority had splashed on my laptop bag. I had been carrying it in my hand as it had moments ago been hurting my shoulder. But I didn’t hold much hope that the bag was waterproof.

I wiped it down as much as I could with my bare hands and hoped and prayed to a God that I wasn’t even sure I believed in that the laptop tucked safely inside hadn’t gotten wet itself.

I sighed and looked up to see a bar just a few feet away, right next to a rather lovely Mediterranean restaurant with a few bamboo plants outside. I made a mental note to check it out one day. The bar itself was just as elegant—just lacking the plant-life—with a lovely bold black and red sign which read; Da Vinci’s, which looked quite new. I huffed and decided to go get a well-deserved drink and check my laptop was still working.

The door was a little too heavy, but I tried not to show how heavy I found it. I didn’t want any men to think I was weak and could take advantage. I then trudged up to the bar confidently. Fake it ‘til you make it, I had heard once. It was my new motto in life.

“Excuse me,” I said to the barman. He was quite a good-looking guy, with dark brown hair, a small stubble of a beard, and wearing a white shirt, black trousers with a black waist-coat. Although a little too young for me, so I tried my hardest not to smile or stare too much and give him the wrong impression. I had a habit of attracting men who got the wrong impression.

But just as he moved to wander over to me, I saw a guy behind him that instantly caught my attention. He was handsome. Very handsome. Much more my type. Although, he was undoubtedly way out of my league. His black raven hair short and slightly standing up, a little ruffled as if he’d run his hands through it in frustration, a strong masculine hand resting on his handsome clean-shaven jaw, propping himself up as his elbow rested on the bar top. He appeared to be frowning at the laptop in front of him.

It suddenly felt a lot warmer in this bar than the first two seconds of walking in.

My attention went straight to his hand. It was a habit I had started doing lately. I was looking for a wedding ring. Nothing. That didn’t mean he was single though. Not that he’d ever be interested in me.

“Hi doll,” replied the barman, breaking my attention away from the devilish handsome man behind him. I was trying to will him to look up at me; I hoped if he looked up, I’d might be able to find out if he found me even slightly attractive or not. Maybe find that strange spark I hear about in films and romance books. I had a short-lived dream that our eyes would meet across the bar and an instant spark come between us, my world slowing down as he came over to introduce himself. But he was too engrossed in his laptop to even notice me.

“Hi,” I said, smiling at the barman suddenly, feeling my voice getting a little louder as if I subconsciously wanted to attract the attention of the other guy, but being as nice as possible to the barman, so if he did look up, he’d see I was friendly at least. Although, deep down, I hoped the barman hadn’t caught me goggling at his only other customer in his bar.

“I, err—” I’d suddenly forgotten what I was going to ask for. My mind drew a blank.

Wet laptop, that was right!

“Do you have any paper towels? Some inconsiderate buggar just drove through a large puddle and got me wet.” I felt myself flush at my own comment. I had too many male friends who would have heard that comment and found a hidden sexual innuendo in it. I just hoped neither men at the bar; the one behind the bar and the stupidly handsome one still staring intently at his laptop with his frown creating a rather curious line on his forehead, would have noticed.

I had also noticed with a slight twinge of embarrassment that my voice not only was a little too loud, but my stupidly southern English accent had accentuated the way I said buggar.

“Oh, damn,” said the barman, looking genuinely remorseful. “Sure, let me get you some!” He suddenly took two steps away and drew out some green paper towels before he brought them over to me. I just tried to keep my eyes on him and not the guy behind him who was now typing away at something with an indifferent look on his face.

“You know, you can always use the hand-dryers in the ladies,” the barman continued, after passing me the towels, “my girlfriend is always spilling drinks on herself, she says using the hand-dryers is better.”

I mentally found myself sighing in relief at the thought of this guy already having a girlfriend—although hoping it wasn’t too evident on my face. An ex-boyfriend had once told me my face was expressive. He didn’t mean it in a nice way either. At least there was less chance of the barman trying to hit on me; the one man in the bar I didn’t want to hit on me.

Although, a small part of me wanted to challenge myself to that unspoken agreement I had with myself only a few days ago. I had told myself that it shouldn’t be up to the men to make the first move. Women should make the first move. More importantly, I should make the first move.

“Oh, thanks, but it’s for my laptop, not me.” I smiled, but I suddenly felt myself blush, as the handsome man staring at his laptop suddenly looked up. Our eyes met only briefly as he took a sip of a drink that looked a lot like whiskey. His eyes were back down on the laptop in mere milliseconds. It was over so quickly that I could have just imagined it. I didn’t even manage to get what colour they were.

I suddenly felt deflated. He didn’t even smile at me. His eyes didn’t even linger enough to suggest he was attracted. There was no Hollywood spark. Nothing. Well, there goes the idea that he might even be in to me.

“Oh, sure!” the barman smiled. I looked back at him, trying to keep my eyes fixed on this man instead, as well as trying to keep my face straight and not frown in my disappointment. He didn’t seem to have noticed, and he certainly didn’t seem interested in hearing my story about how my laptop got wet. “Do you want a drink?”

“Yeah, might as well!” I nodded and sighed, feeling tired and sore now that I thought about it. Well, I had just trudged from university with my laptop over my shoulder, heading towards my bus stop before I got splashed. “Do you have Dalwhinnie?” I asked, feeling a little defiant and wanting to drink something that might impress. I didn’t want either of the men thinking I was just a silly woman who also was a bit accident prone. Although, I didn’t really want a glass of Dalwhinnie, I actually just fancied a glass of coke. I felt a little thirsty after trudging out of my class and carrying around my laptop everywhere. A glass of whisky wasn’t going to quench that thirst. But I had somehow convinced myself whisky was the better choice in my situation.

I noticed the barman lifted a curious eyebrow at me and I felt a small inward triumph. Although for a split second, doubt creeped through me that that eyebrow signalled something other than being impressed. “Of course. You want a glass of that?”

“Please.” I nodded and smiled sweetly as I started to unzip my leather jacket and loosen my small black scarf around my neck. It wasn’t that cold outside. It was spring. Nearly summer. But it was the Scottish weather; it was a little cold for me. I preferred warmer weather.

“Ice?” the barman asked as he wandered over to the glasses and picked up a glass very similar to what the handsome man had. I noticed then that the handsome man was looking up at me again and I felt my cheeks flush again. My hopes skyrocketed, but my self-doubts kept them from going too high.

I just gave him a raised eyebrow and smiled at him before deliberately cutting off the eye contact myself this time and looked back at the barman, who I playfully frowned at and said, “And risk diluting it with water? No, thanks.”

The barman looked up at me curiously again but smiled when he noticed I was smiling at him. He nodded. “Good point. That’s three-ninety, please.”

After the barman placed the whisky on the bar top, I shifted my laptop shoulder strap over my shoulder and reached into my pocket of my leather jacket, bringing out my bank card to pay for it. “Thanks,” I muttered politely and was about to hand him my card when he spoke, and I stopped in my tracks.

“We only accept payments over five-pound, love, sorry.”

“Oh!” I felt panic rise in me. I felt instantly stupid. I should have asked that they take card first. As soon as my face fell into sheer shock, I noticed the handsome man was back to looking at me again, a small wicked smile on his face. I felt a little small compared to him as if he was mocking me. But I suddenly had a brilliant idea. “In that case, make it two Dalwhinnies.” I smiled triumphantly.

The barman raised his eyebrow at me again but held a strange frown on his face. This time I was sure he wasn’t impressed. Maybe he was worried I was going to get too drunk and needed to be escorted out of the bar. But I wasn’t going to explain and ruin the idea I had.

He seemed to reluctantly make me another Dalwhinnie and placed it on the bar top while watching my face curiously. It was as if he was waiting for the answer to appear on my forehead. But he finally passed me the card reader so I could pay for the drinks. I was grateful to pick up the two glasses, the paper towels shoved into my jacket pocket carelessly and walk passed the bar towards the back of the room.

I had deliberately aimed for the large booths at the back. There were three large booths with large built in seats. The deep red leather looked inviting and comfortable. Plus, more importantly, it meant having to walk passed that exceptionally handsome customer at the bar.

As I walked past him, smelling a wonderful masculine yet probably expensive fragrance, I stopped and placed one of the Dalwhinnies next to his hand. “That one’s for you,” I said, with the sweetest smile I could muster. He looked round at me in surprise, just as I caught a glimpse of an email account open on his laptop with what looked like a lot of unread business emails. But he frowned as if I had just invaded his personal space and I added quickly: “With that frown on your face earlier, you look like you need one just as much as me.”

I then wandered off while taking a sip of my own glass, without even waiting for him to say anything. I was sure I could feel his eyes staring at the back of my head in amazement. I didn’t want to give him chance to brush me off; I wanted him to know that I was just being polite and friendly, not coming onto him. I imagined a lot of women hitting on him, being as handsome as he was, and that was the last thing he wanted if he was busy with work stuff. But at the same time, I wanted him to take notice of me and not as the silly girl who didn’t carry change around with her.

It’s not like I was expecting him to be interested, I just wanted to feel a little in control. I knew a guy like that wouldn’t be interested in me. I was short, looked young for my age and always seemed to look like I was scowling at everyone. I didn’t even think I was that attractive. Not like most of the girls I’d seen in bars. Plus, guys seemed to like the girls with thick make-up and blonde hair. My hair was a dark shade of red—natural of course—one side would flick out while the other flicked in, and if it was too wet outside it would go frizzy. I had stopped dying or bleaching my hair a long time ago, realising that I should just love who I was, my unruly red hair, stupid button nose and all. I was a bit of a rocker-chick too, with my dark eye make-up and leather jacket, rather than a sweet girly-girl, and I was proud of that.

I had also made a promise to myself. After having terrible luck with men; having dated what seemed like only manipulative men or desperate men who just didn’t want to be alone. Then I had a deliberate two-year single spell. I realised that not only was I worth more than the low-life men I had dated in the past, but I wasn’t going to settle for a guy just for the hell of being in a relationship. I wanted a decent relationship. Hell, I wanted a best friend to spend my life with. If I couldn’t find that person, then I was happy enough just being single and making the most of life.

But in those two years, I had a lot of time to realise that I hadn’t really had chance to meet any decent men. I wasn’t sure why it was. Maybe it was because I was unattractive? Maybe it was because I looked too young? Maybe it was because I prefer to wear jeans and t-shirts instead of wearing a dress and getting uncomfortable and cold? I moved to Scotland, it was a little cooler than England. But I also thought that there was another possibility; after speaking to my male friends, a lot of them had admitted they don’t like to approach attractive women in fear of being rejected. So, somewhere in my head I decided that, why should it be men that approach women first? More importantly, why didn’t I approach men first? Rather than waiting for them to approach me? Not that I thought I was attractive! That was another problem; I was sure it was because I was unattractive that men didn’t approach me. But I was going to fake confidence and test it out.

That handsome guy at the bar; he was just a test to see if I could do it. Seems I could. Although, with a ridiculously fast beating heart, stupidly sweaty palms, the thoughts of doubt quickly creeped into my head as I settled into the seat.

Why did I just give a guy a glass of Dalwhinnie? What if he didn’t want it? What if he didn’t like Dalwhinnie? What if he thought I was stupid? Oh god!

Click here to read the next chapter!

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Don’t forget to check out my other works!

New Story idea! – Butterfly House

Rose Garden Sanatorium – Prologue

New Story Idea – “I fell in Love with a Psychopath”